Well before I go on with my journey back to Newfoundland, I didn’t go alone. The Lord brought a wonderful man into my life in December of 2017 and not long after, we talked of marriage. Now before I go any further, I told him my whole story for I knew we couldn’t have a good marriage without being honest with each other and crazy enough, he still wanted to marry me. I knew God had to be in it, because not just anyone would marry a woman who was suicidal and had a past like mine. Well, my desire was to marry in Newfoundland, but it wasn’t possible since we had to stay at least five days there, so we decided to marry here first. I was excited as we made plans to go for a few days. That was long enough for me to accomplish my mission and I knew In my heart the people needed to hear my story. I had no idea how I would react when I arrived after all these years, but nothing was going to stop me. My husband was excited too, to see Newfoundland because he had never been that far east and heard it was beautiful. Well my first step was to contact the daily newspaper in St. Johns, so I sent them an email with a brochure of mine titled, Life is Worth Living and asked if they could publish it in the Letter to the Editor, for September when we arrive. While I waited for their reply, I was kept busy moving into our new home, so I didn’t think much of it, till it got closer to the time to leave, and still no word from them. I was disappointed, but then I thought of the wonderful couple that rented me their home 20 years ago and I wondered if they were still there. You see, when I left back then and the state of mind I was In, I stopped all communication and didn’t look back until now. I was so distraught at that time, and I only wanted to look ahead and forget the past. Some say it is important to leave the past behind and not to tell anyone that you are a survivor of suicide, because of their lack of knowledge and understanding. Well for me, yes, I needed to hide it at the time, but what has affected me the most, and still does today are the many people that are ending their life needlessly. My heart breaks each time I read of another person that has ended their life and I knew I had a success story to share and I have to tell it, no matter what the cost. My first mission trip was Newfoundland, so we printed 100 brochures to take with us. I also had written a book of my story, a quick and easy read so anyone could read it on a plane or a bus station etc. So we ordered 30 copies to take with us. I had 4 main goals to accomplish while I was out there. First, was to distribute all of my books and brochures, second, was to have my story published in the paper, third goal was to look up the people in Newfoundland that rented me their home and last but not least, to go to the ocean shore where I had visions of myself drowning in the waves. After all these years though, I did have a memory lapse somewhat, and couldn’t remember how to get to the beach and I even forgot the name of It. Remember, I wiped out a lot of things that were very traumatic for me, but I did recall the name of the couple and of course the town of Paradise was too beautiful to forget. I have no recollection where the trail was that I stepped out on the edge and honestly, I had no desire to even look for it…Well September came, and it was time to fly to Newfoundland. We had to exchange planes and when we arrived at the first stop I passed out brochures and a few of my books. One lady In Montreal airport was very interested and asked me a few questions and I was happy to share. When I stepped off the plane in Newfoundland I was excited, and turned to my husband and said, I’m home. What an experience, to go back twenty years later to the place I was so close to death….It was an emotional time for me while I was there, but not in a bad way, but most rewarding. As we went to pick up our rental car I was too excited not to share with the two men in the office, and one asked me for a copy of my book and started reading it right then and there, as the other gentleman served us. My adrenaline was high in a good way and I was excited to see what would take place in the three days we were there. We drove to our hotel and I left a few brochures and a book with the owner, and I shared a bit with her and she was happy to hear I survived. The next morning we travelled to Paradise to see If we could find the street where my son and I lived. I must say I was nervous in case I knock on the door and they are no longer there. I’m not sure why I felt that way but anyway it was worth a try. Well as we drove a little further I noticed Paradise was not such a little town anymore and lot’s of new homes were built since I was there last. I knew where I lived, was off the main road and all of a sudden as we drove around the bend there it was, and we turned up the road just a little ways and my heart pounded out of my chest….
To be cont’d
Author June Hodgins 