One day I decided It would be nice to spend time with my son and go for a walk on the trails, so we went up this high cliff where many tourists go and It was beautiful. As I walked along the trail, the unthinkable happened. What was meant to be a fun day, led to a horrendous moment in time! I felt driven to walk to the edge, with his little hand in mine. But when I reached the edge and looked down I hesitated, because the ocean was so far out and right directly below were piles of huge rocks. The thought crossed my mind how painful it could be, then suddenly I heard a voice, You aren’t going to jump mommy are you? I turned and saw my little boys face so filled with fear, and when I realized what I was about to do, I cried. We walked back to the trail and I held him tight and said, Mommy is going to be okay…I tried my best to overcome my broken heart and just when I felt I was going to be okay I received a call that shook me up. My mom had passed away. I was in shock and disbelief that I wasn’t there with her when she breathed her last breath. Guilt overcame me since I had to put her in a home and I tried to convince myself that I had no choice and I did the best I could. She had dementia and I could no longer care for her on my own. The thoughts In my mind overwhelmed me and just when I thought there was a possibility I would recover, I was back at square one again. Helpless and hopeless, I had no choice but to try and attend the funeral, but how? It seemed Impossible. I talked with the couple who rented me their home and they offered to care for my son while I was gone. But I needed money so I called my kids back home and they were able to help me with the cost of the flight. A couple days later I had arrived but a strange thing happened at the funeral home. As I sat In the chapel so broken and distraught and I know this may sound crazy, but as I looked at my mom’s coffin I heard a voice say, Who will be the next? Who will take her place? At first I honestly thought I was hearing things from being drunk the night before. Then I heard it again, and it wasn’t an audible voice and I quickly said, If this Is You God, there Is no way I could take my mothers place. Look at me, my life is in such turmoil and I am so unstable. My mom was a woman of good standing In the church, she was faithful and grounded and a woman of high regard in and around our community. I certainly let God know there was no way I could and headed back to Newfoundland.
However, as the days passed God didn’t give up on me and wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Through all His persistent persuasions with sleepless nights and other events I had no choice but to give in…I contacted my older son of my decision, and he rented a house, so we had a place to come home to and helped me financially for the long trip back. We packed what things we could fit in the car. I explained to my landlord and he was fine with my decision. His family was very supportive which made it much easier for me. I was afraid to tell the man who broke my heart in case he would try to stop me, so we just drove off and didn’t look back. I never did see him again and I guess you could say that was a good thing. As we arrived in Ontario my family helped us settle in. The first step I knew I had to take was to go to church. There was a church close to where we lived and that Sunday morning on November the 8th, 1998, just as I sat down, I heard a voice at the beginning of the service, and it was more like an audible voice that said, I should attend the church I vowed I would never return. That was the one place I certainly didn’t want to go back to. You see I was a prodigal that left the fold and there was no way I wanted to go back to the unpleasant memories of the past. But again God wouldn’t take no for an answer. And believe it or not that’s where an awesome spiritual journey began for me. I was on my way to the most exciting adventure ever as I faced my fears and triumphed through each one. Just when I was at my lowest and so close to death, I now live the ultimate high with great peace and overflowing joy. One of the big turning points was when I took the Steps to Freedom in Christ by Neil Anderson and was delivered from the spirit of suicide. I received a miraculous transformation through God alone and He has taken the old things of yesterday that dragged me down and made all things new for me.
It has been twenty two years since He reached down His hand and rescued me. Not once did I ever turn back. All suicidal thoughts and attempts are gone and so are all the visions of death and despair. I have a relationship with Jesus more than I ever thought possible. He is greater than any dream I could dream and the peace He gives me each day causes my heart to rejoice. In my relationship with Him my love grows stronger every day and He is my reason I live. He is my song I now sing and without Him I am nothing and have nothing. All along as I searched for love in all the wrong places, He was so close beside me, waiting for me to patiently reach the end of the road, so I could discover a new beginning in Him. But that’s not all, there’s more to come, twenty years after I left Newfoundland, I reached a great milestone and returned in September of 2018 and took a piece of the rock…
To be cont’d
Author June Hodgins 