My daughter and her fiancé came to visit and it was great to see them and I didn’t share with her how I was feeling and pretended I was fine. I took them to my favourite place, Middle Cove and they loved the ocean and the people too. A few days later they left and I was back in my broken mode, with no escape. I couldn’t sleep and I drowned my sorrows in a bottle of wine each night. It was too expensive to keep up so I tried beer, but nothing helped. I was sinking deeper In a pit of depression and couldn’t get out. I made an appointment with a doctor for a prescription to help me cope. I shared with him what happened to me and he asked me If I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Right away I thought If I tell him the truth I might lose my son and I couldn’t take that chance, so I told him I see a faint flicker. He then smiled and said I was on the road to recovery, but little did he know, all I saw was complete darkness. Then It ended up he gave me a prescription for sleeping pills and I left. Well the sleeping pills and drinking heavily helped me to sleep somewhat, but not completely. To help ease the pain my son and I loved to go to Middle Cove beach and walk along the shore and collect small rocks. We’d take them home and create little things with them like turtles and other cute critters. I had a glimpse of hope when we went to a gift shop by the ocean and I asked the owner If she could sell them for me and she was happy to. At first I thought It would be great to make a little extra money for us. But a couple weeks later she called and said tourists were not Interested In them, because they were too heavy to travel with, so I fell back again depressed more than ever. And this guy who broke my heart would come over to visit once In a while and I have no Idea why. But anyway by this time I became good friends with my landlord and landlady and my son would play with their granddaughter when she’d visit. We had a good relationship with them and they were always willing to help me. In fact one day I shared with my landlord how I loved to hang out clothes and to my surprise the next morning a clothesline was set up. Bursts of happy moments arose while I watched our clothes blowing in the strong refreshing winds on the shores of Paradise. Those were precious moments for me even in the midst of pain, but in the back of my mind I still had an agenda to end my life and the town of Paradise was the perfect name and place to make it happen. One day he came back and I was afraid to tell him to leave me alone so I left my son with the landlady and we went for a drive to Middle Cove. He asked me how I was doing and I was still pretty messed up. As I looked out at the ocean waves I answered, I can see a vision of myself walking out In the waves until I can no longer be seen and that was peace for me. He was disgusted and said, I was so morbid. That was truly how far gone I was, In fact I had another vision of myself in a coffin with my 2 sons at my side and my daughter weeping uncontrollably over my body and I honestly felt no emotion, except it was another peaceful scene for me. I was convinced the only answer for me was to end my life, but I didn’t want to leave my young son with no one to care for him, so I thought it best to put it off till he grows up and doesn’t need me anymore. In the meantime I loved Newfoundland and the people, and the music they’d play on the streets was so heartwarming, with accordions, and harmonicas. But was the beauty of the island and the sweet people going to be enough to heal my broken heart?
To be Cont’d…
Author June Hodgins 